Author: Erin

One of the closest friends I’ve made here since I moved a year ago moves away this weekend. I was so fortunate to have been interning at the same site as Courtney, and I will miss her dearly! She moves on to a full-time music therapy position out of state. Good luck to her. 


I, too, will be moving this weekend, but within city limits. I truly detest moving, but it simply has to happen. I am excited to becoming settled and grounded in one physical space with Thomas.  

Didn’t finish.

After a really busy and productive few days, I sat down last night to watch a movie. Granted, the movie wasn’t what I wanted to see, as I was looking for a simple, Jennifer Aniston-esque wedding movie. I chose “The Answer Man,” which stars Jeff Bridges and that woman from “Gilmore Girls.” I don’t think I have ever seen anything with Jeff Bridges in it that resembles an Aniston movie in any way, but regardless, my choice had been made and I watched the damned movie. Until I got mad at myself because I was up so late and made myself go to sleep. But I watched half of the movie. Something close to half. I got to the part where Bridges’ character, who had written a very popular book called Me & God, exchanged books he was trying to sell for answers to “god questions” the bookstore owner had for him. One of the owner’s questions was, “Why can’t I do what I want to do? I have all these ideas, and nothing ever pans out.” Bridges’ character’s answer was that it was important to remember that everything one does is what he wants to do; no one can be made to do anything. 


Having little to nothing to do with the movie, I decided today to be in a decent mood (I had been feeling that work was the boundary between my getting to see Thomas tonight). I decided to sit back a little and consider the current moment instead of plan the next. How was my day, as a result? 


Irritating. I was irritated today. A co-worker complained about it being Monday, and I chose to admit that I wasn’t feeling so hot about the workday– on Mondays, I don’t facilitate music therapy sessions. Instead, I facilitate other recreation therapy sessions. Sometimes that’s a nice change, but today I was just irritated. Soon, though, I will be happy to see Thomas after his trip.

Tonight I had this explosion of interesting things to do. I was going to attend an arts workshop, but it got canceled. After this, I saw Local Rhythm downtown. I was super impressed and am excited to hear them play out again. I thought they were great. Following, I saw O’Death (who were much better than their name) in St. Paul. 


Why, oh why, do some bands insist on being too loud? (I didn’t think O’ Death was too loud, but one of their opening bands most certainly was.) When less volume will accommodate the venue, then less volume should do. I am of the school that more volume pushes the audience away, and less volume (and a tight ensemble) invites an audience closer. I hate amplification. I do. 

I have spent a substantial amount of time over the past few days tidying up and organizing and doing things I generally don’t like to do. Things I do much too irregularly. Things I spend an exorbitant amount of energy loathing. And in doing them, I have found, once again, as I have always found, relief. Not quite the relief I have mentioned in posts past, but relief nonetheless. That relief translates into a kind of happiness that is impossible to experience without finishing troubling tasks.

What do I do to reward myself? I eat left-overs from the brunch (including drinking some of the corked champagne) and watch a “Cougar Town” marathon. (Take it easy with your judgments. If there were Bravo to watch, I’d be watching. That crap is like candy for me. Empty calories that bring temporary joy, followed by self-disgust and regret.)

I used the drive-through ATM today, during regular business hours, and was not at all surprised to see two other cars using the same ATMs. I wasn’t surprised because I knew the drivers must be thinking what I’m thinking: I don’t want to talk to people, especially about my money, when I can have the same service rendered me by a machine. The weather was gorgeous and there were plenty of pedestrians on the sidewalks, yet we drivers much preferred sitting in our cars to parking and getting out and carrying on conversations about the weather with strangers in line. So no, the ATM driving-through didn’t surprise me. 

Not me.

What did give me pause was the realization that, in thinking back to similar circumstances not involving banking, I do the same thing. I’d rather go through a drive-through than be with strangers. I know I’m not the only one who would rather eat in the car than in a restaurant. I suppose that since these options have been provided us, we are clearly more able to be lazy. And I don’t mean lazy in the physical sense, but in the social sense. Had I spent the energy to park my car and get myself inside the bank today, I imagine I’d be somewhat healthier now for having exposure to others. Socialization positively influences health. Now that I have options that enable isolation, I more often than not will take advantage of these. Why? Because doing so is so much less work, but brings so little benefit. 


My favorite part of the ATM drive-through is when one of the cars honked at another ahead of it. In the time spent waiting, he could probably have gone inside.  

I am again and again amazed at how rehabilitative telling myself to relax is. My Tuesdays are very full, and there is one group in particular I don’t feel I do well facilitating. And I have thought, “Man, they all know how much I suck at this.” But today, I decided that if I concentrate on the goals I have for the group and take myself out of focus, all will be better. Of course, I have aspects of my facilitation to improve, but re-framing my thoughts about the group helps tremendously.

Thomas might appreciate this.

I also must point out that, not only did Thomas and I announce our engagement on Sunday, we opened the first of the beer that we made. And not only did we try it, we served it to our friends; the beer was tasty! Success.

One of the biggest reasons I started this blog was so that I would have something that I would try to do on a daily basis throughout transitions that I was experiencing. Hence, “In Flux.” At the time I began writing, I was about halfway through my music therapy internship, and was finding that I was having trouble feeling grounded. On a regular basis, my patients were dying, or declining, or losing their independence. I wanted to use this venue to write about seeing those transitions and feeling my own transitions on personal levels having little to do with the internship. My point is that the birth of this blog had much to do with sad transitions. 

However, now I get to feel happy transitions. 🙂 I won’t write specifically about the engagement or wedding planning here, but likely I’ll find this place to be beneficial to come back to on a (hopefully) daily basis in order to check in. Should be good. 

Well! I’ve had an eventful day… and an eventful two weeks, actually. I’m engaged and today we had an engagement announcement brunch, which was really fun. We are fortunate to have so many great friends. (Special thanks to one of my very best friends, Claudia, for driving in from out of state to surprise us!)


Now, to sleep. 

I woke up this morning feeling fine, and then got to work and grew a pretty sizable headache that persevered until mid-afternoon. And, my right contact was foggy all day long. My day was hectic with meetings and groups to lead, and I was/am tired at the end of the day. But, dang it, I made myself exercise. What a triumph. The facility where I work offers its employees a really great price for its fitness center, so I’ve been using it two to three times a week for a few weeks now. Granted, today all I did was the recumbent bike, when usually I run on the treadmill, but I still did it, right? I am happy I am trying to facilitate my own sanity; I feel so much relief after I make myself exercise. And relief is really difficult to come by. 


I can hardly believe nobody liked that picture of the labradoodle I posted yesterday. That dog doesn’t even look real. 

I was in the middle of a song today, and I suddenly thought of something I wanted to investigate that had nothing to do with the session I was leading. There are so many things going through my head lately that I have trouble focusing. This distractibility could be a sign that I am already boring myself and need to infuse more energy into work, and/or that I am failing to organize my outside thoughts. One of the topics of one of the first posts here was compartmentalization. I should re-visit it and see if I can remember what worked for me then. Any other ideas?

Oh, and I like labradoodles. They don’t shed, right? Seriously, poodles don’t shed. Do these?